Friday, May 18, 2007
i'm not feeling that spectacular right now. i wonder why is it that nothing seems to go right. nothing seems to feel right. its just like a form of darkness engulfing my world. its terrible. i'm at a total lost for words. the things that you gained and lost. do we really have to wear a mask and live? all those pretence going on, even when you had the picture clear in mind. and what about those unseek explanations or i would rather call it reasons behind? i never did press for it. i didnt want the awkward. i'd rather pretend, leave it, forget about it, and all's good. is it even wrong to envy the rich? materialistic? you told me "and you think you are a rich girl?" yes i know i am not. but i never did blame you for it. why wasn't i born in a wealthy family? i know its too harsh a statement. i never rant. all i wanted is to earn my own allowance to buy the stuffs i want. it is wrong? i wish i could act like a spoilt brat too. i wish i was born wealthy and i wouldnt need to work to get what i want. but i knew, i understand, you don't earn much. it wouldn't be sensible for me to just get my allowance from you. i could work. i could learn to support myself. but it actually wasn't easy. juggling both work and studies. i didnt make easy money either. it was the cumulative of 6$ an hour to get the few hundreds each month. but i was happy enough. i thought i saved you the cost of my allowance. you'd have more expenditure on other things. i used my pay, like my allowance. bought clothes and stuffs i really wanted. i do prioritize, calculate the budget i'm able to spend for the month and make sure i don't over spend. i had to set aside monthly instalment of 100 bucks for my pc to my bro, monthly fees of 88bucks for my singing course. these add up to a financial burden of 188$ monthly. the rest of my pay makes up my allowance for the month. i didnt had a great spending power, but i could still get some new stuffs each month. but i didnt just want to spend on myself. i make an effort, to bring you for a nice dinner, a stalk of flower, and a cake from bakezin. i hope i can make you happy. but do you feel the same? i hope we can communicate better. i didnt know since when you've become so distance. i tried to share my life but obviously you just werent interested. you told me stuffs about your work, your colleagues, i tried to participate, to listen, to comment. but you only like to talk about that. other than that, its complaints, disapproval of me. you complaint that i spend every single cent that i make. right, i dont save. its not because i dont want to. its because its obviously not enough. you compared me to other girls of the same age who save their pay. thats because they are still getting allowance from their parents. its just not fair to judge me like that. i'm only 18 years old. why should i be worrying over these financial matters? why should i take on a part time job? i could just concentrate in going school and let you worry about the rest. but why didnt i? if you really cant feel the heart i put in, im really speechless. you never understand, i'm not spending money recklessly. i'm buying happiness. buying the happiness i deserved. those that a 18 yr old girl shouldnt be deprived of. and i hope to buy abit of happiness for you too. i just cant seem to see the wrong i've done. i'm so tired of your disapproval and the quarrels. it breaks my heart. if you dont love me dont bring me into this world.
..xin fu cong lai dou bu xu yuan wo` ;
